Excitement

14 MORE DAYS UNTIL I "MIGHT" FIND OUT WHAT THE SEX IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grandparents

I love coming to my grandparents house. It's a nice escape. They always have plants growing, fresh fruit, and yummy snacks! This cracker guy is called the cowboy treat. It's cream cheese and jalapeno jelly. YUM!

The Grand Lake Lodge

To start off this turning over a new leaf thing I'd like to tell you a little bit about where I'm working and living this summer. I received the job of The Historic Grand Lake Lodge Gift shop Manager in June and I will be working here until mid September. The lodge was built in 1920 and was owned by the James Family until this year. It's an amazing piece of property that is beautiful and filled with history. You can come here and rent cabins with the best view in Grand County, browse our gift shop filled with home decor, bath soaps/scents, souvenirs and clothing or eat in our 4 star restaurant. We have employees from China, Mongolia, Jamaica, Turkey, and all over the States. It's a lot of fun working with such a diverse group of people because you get a taste of places you've never been. Most of the employees live in little cabin shacks located on property-which are no where near 4 start but it's an experience! Living here opens the door to meeting all sorts of people, seeing animals in our front yard in the morning such as bear, moose, deer, elk and fox. A lot of us even have the luxury of acquiring little chipmunks as occasional visitors and food stealer's.

These are some of our cabins and our view of Mt. Baldy in the background.

And this is just half of what we get to look at everyday. 90 years ago this place was filled with green trees and didn't have anything built on it. Amazing how much things change.

Grand County is a beautiful place filled with horseback riding, dirtbikes and 4wheel trails, plenty of water for boating, and a local ski mountain in Winter Park. If you're ever in the area, just over the mountain from Denver is a whole different world!

Blogs Blogs Blogs

So when I started my blog I guess it was just a way for me to vent. Not really about anything fun and exciting in my life, but the annoyances of it. After browsing through blogs I realize how much more enjoying it is to focus on the happy, creative things in life-that way other people can share them with you-maybe instead of focusing on their annoyances in life? So I've decided that August will be my turn of a new leaf when it comes to my blogging. I'm not sure exactly yet what I'll focus on. You see so much scrap booking, house decor, arts and crafts and photography pages that I might just do a bunch of things in one. This will be my journey about turning 22, becoming a mommy, a college graduate (one day) and discovering what makes life exciting (all without men and love). My whole life I've been focused on not necessarily finding love, but thinking I was in it, and making other people happy that I completely forgot what life was like being independent and doing everything for yourself. Not anymore though. I've got a list of books, activities, and foods I want to try, places I want to see, and goals to accomplish. Advice, and comments are always welcome to help make myself a better blogger, writer, and even a mommy!

YAY!

Petals

I honestly think

Weddings are a waste of

time

money

time time and more time.

How many people in this world?

And I feel so alone. I'm trying not to think about the bad because that makes you weak and vulnerable, two things I never want to be, but it's pretty difficult. It's just hard thinking about how one jerk of a person can make you feel one way one second and now I feel like this-because of them. It's horrible. How people can turn their backs on things so important to go fishing and play their guitar, seriously? Having dreams of being a baseball player and a rockstar? Please make me roll my eyes more. I wish people knew when and how to grow the fuck up. It's ridiculous they think they can just keep living their life feeding off other peoples emotions and help-never feeling guilty. They blame everything on the world and nothing on themselves, their biggest enemy. They come in to your life and shake it up to the point where now everything in YOUR future is going to change drastically and they are going to just run home to mommy and daddy where everything is the same, everyone knows their name. If I could I would drive up there and give him the biggest piece of my mind but then I guess some would call that immature? I feel like it would be a huge waste of my time-he's fucking immature, selfish and obviously dumb. Ugh there's so much more to vent about but I hate venting, I feel like it's more complaining and no one wants to read about others complain.
But once more, there's seriously a huge hole in my heart and I'm looking for ways to fill it up or distract me from it, but it's getting hard. Especially in the mornings before you get up and at night before you fall asleep. Worst times.

Fuck you.
I hope someday you read this.
But I doubt you ever will.

Night out on the town

This is my adorable girl friend Katie.
I love her very much and thought I'd introduce her
:)
hehe

Decafe coffee with one sugar please

And it used to be a 4 shot caramal regular add 4 extra sugars and whip cream.
haha oh the days of caffiene
I do miss.


Otherwise things are still great. I ordered a baby book (dont ask how much it cost) and I'm in the proccess of thinking about buying a baby carrier/changing table playpen thing. Everyone keeps telling me to wait and that someone might give me a hand me down or in a little bit the things I want will be on sale. Also that if I move I'll have to haul everything around.
I agree with this but..

My family also isn't going to spend $150.00 on certain items I need so eventually I'll have to buy them. Minazwell buy them now while they are in stock and I have money. Plus hand me downs? If I buy something new I can sale it, or keep it for the next baby? mm only ONE please! And moving is moving. I'm going to haul things around no matter what.

Basically my point being, my baby, my money, my decision!

On another note besides life going well, my job getting even more boring and my being worried about my Eminem acting little brother--well I guess thats it. I get laughs on a daily basis with Miss Katie and it makes my Summer I met her. There are still cool people out there! We window shop which usually consists of stalkin boys through windows and spending way too much money, eating way too much food (which is okay for me) and dreaming dreaming dreaming. The grandparents are well and very supportive, my grandpa loves making jokes. I'm still debating names and I don't think 4 weeks can go by faster. My next apt is August 12th and I MIGHT be able to find out the sex. FINGERS CROSSED that my little guy or gal spreads em! :)

Well maybe I should get back to work, hehe.

Rainy day Rainy day

But I do love it

My appointment on Friday was absolutely amazing
and absolutely violating--but I'll get used to that one.
Katie was there and the best support,
My doctor had a sexy Brazilian accent, so that really helped. (:
I got almost all of my blood drained out of me!
Or that's how it felt afterwards.

I'm shopping on BabiesRus and I'm getting way too excited
School starts in about 3 weeks
Hopefully I find out what I'm carrying in four



Life is good..

FUTURE

History Literature and Education double major?
I think so.

Mommy, teacher, and volleyball coach

I HOPE SO!

Happy 11 weeks

Well 11 tomorrow but I feel like posting now (:

So everything has been great. I'm still very small, about 117 but I'm sure soon I'll be gaining that weight. I've been tired, never really sick, and I'm always hungry. Hopefully within the next two weeks I'll go in for my first ultrasound. I just can't WAIT to find out what it is! I've been thinking of names, whats your opinion?!

Girls:
Laural
Lilah
Willow
Brooke
Sage
Autumn


Boys:
Forrest
Beau


Well boys is the hardest right now. I thought I had alot but now I'm just going back and forth. I really love Laural and Forrest (:


Anyhoo, thats all for now.

It isn't Thanksgiving yet, but...............

What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful for,
the bill for student loans I'm getting
because it means I have a chance to learn.

the cards in the mail on holidays
because it means I have people that remember the simple things

the taxes I pay
because it means I'm employed

the scars I have
because they show me I'm still living

the tears I cry
because they show me I'm still feeling

the mistakes I make
because I'm teaching myself lessons

the child I carry
because I can create life

the people that love me
because I don't feel so alone

laundry days
because I at least have laundry to do

gaining weight
because I have food to eat

I'm thankful for life existing
So I can live

Coastin on a dream

Okay well I'm back...

dun a nunna nunna na

I can't begin to explain to you how much my life changes from day to day. One moment I'm living in Glenwood chillen with the coolest kids I know, having the time of my life and the next I'm in Leadville in a deep state of drunken depression because that was just how I got when things went bad. Then I meet a guy who I think is totally amazing and we get along perfectly-like have EVERYTHING in common and he's my perfect 5 star type of guy. We figure we're in love and going to get married one day-he'll play baseball and I'll be at home with the kids, teaching at some school and either writing a book or coaching volleyball (well I guess for the most part that was my dream.) Well one thing came true....

I'm pregnant. Congratulations! Right? I'm in a weird numb state right now, going through the motions of eating healthy, taking vitamins and working 60+ without taking a day off. Yes I'm excited, I want nothing more then to raise my own tiny human and show them the world that I never got to explore fully but hey that's life. My family took the news well, mostly because they like him and don't know how much of an emotional roller coaster he is. Currently he's blaming me for not "getting him help" because supposedly all his drinking was a sign he was depressed. Oh and we had an unhealthy relationship because all we did was drink. As I recall I would get off work and he would say "want to get some beer" and that was if he didn't already have a 6 pack AFTER drinking a 6 pack. So now we're at the breaking point where I'm telling him I'm not his mother and I can't read his mind, and he says we aren't perfect for each other.

So besides the fact he's being a selfish asshole........I guess I'm okay.

I was raised without a father, and I know how hard it was on my mother. But I think I'm a pretty strong person when it comes down to it. I've moved all over, I've gone through divorce, death, abuse (drug, alcohol and physical), I've lived in a 2 bedroom house with 10 hippies stealing food from hotels, I've failed and passed school, loved and lost, been happy and sad-but I come out on top of whatever hits me hardest. I feel that life is too short to blame things on it and if you push everything behind you and don't look back you'll be okay.

So maybe I'll be okay?

I know I will finish school
One day I'll find a person who truly loves and accepts me
I know I'll make a great mother
I know I'll find a way to travel
I know eventually, I will succeed.

I almost wish there was a way to clear your mind of negative things and start again. A mind detox. A memory eraser. But there's not. Right?

It's funny looking back on the past 10 years of my life (love life that is) and seeing the faces fade of the ones that actually cared. The many nice ones I turned down to be with the bad. What was I thinking? Not that I need a guy-not by far-but all woman dream of that feeling and that experience and I of course pass it up. I could be walking the beach with him right now, or climbing a mountain with fabulous views with him. I could be an Army girlfriend (kind of glad I passed on this one) with him, or I could be going to shows watching him. Ah. Oh well.

I walk alone.